Two weeks ago, I found my ex on my doorstep. I guess the fuckin' asshole prepared for that day as he looked so nice and handsome in his orange shirt and black Levi's. When I opened the door, I was surprised to get a kiss from the devil who once crumpled my heart. I wanted to cuss, curse him and kick him off. But I was so unprepared, caught unaware and was taken aback. I was too weak to give him a punch on the nose and all I said was... "Kamusta?" He embraced me and didn't let go for about five minutes. I was stunned. Speechless and... TORN.Oh, fuck, Luigi! Where the hell's your ego? -- my brain screamed. I realized then that my pride was scattered all over the floor. It was wrecked. Fortunately, I was able to find a few moments to grasp some air and grab a little courage to finally sy, "come in." A plan was working on my mind. I had to show Emmanuel that I am perfectly okay and that I will respectfully ask him to leave later on… So I thought.
Emmanuel stayed for a few hours. He was embracing me, tenderly kissing me and saying out of this fuckin' world cliches that I heard from several movies before:
I miss you so much.
I shouldn't have left you.
I made a big mistake.
I regret what I've done.
I am sorry I caused you pain.
I can't help but compare him to you and I found out I'm better off
with you.
I want you back.
I still love you.
Ad infinitum... Ad infinitum.
For a brief moment, I almost lost my senses. But as he continued luring me, I realized that hey, after what he has done to me, does he still deserve me? Look, I have been faithful to him. I gave my 100% and never left anything for myself. I loved him so much for heaven's sake! And I respected him! But he just ignored all my efforts then, so what's the use of giving him another chance to once again stab my heart, which during that time, was starting to recuperate from the pain he's inflicted.
So here's what happened according to my supposed plan: I cooked for Emmanuel. I made sure that he got what he used to have before, a good "pag-aalaga" which he always got from me and I believe he never had from his present boyfriend (apparently, he broke up with him that's why he came back -- according to him). I cooked his favorite meal, I played his favorite music, I had him seated on his favorite chair, sprayed on his favorite air freshener, turned on the aircon at the temperature he preferred and opened a box of his favorite chocolate (good thing my ref was full).
He felt at home. And he said, he finally knew what he's been longing for, for the months that he was with his new partner – my presence. Not exactly me, but all the things I used to do for him. We talked for about an hour. Emmanuel told me that there was this one time when he felt my presence when Marco (let's call his present lover by this name) asked him to go home early and when he did, he was surprised to see a candle lit dinner with his favorite kare-kare served with ultra spicy bagoong and one fresh white rose (his favorite flower) on the side of his plate neatly placed with a bottle of his favorite gatorade blue. He thought it was a deja vu. He suddenly remembered me. Why wouldn't he? It's the exact re-enactment of what happened on our first month-sary celebration. He said he was perplexed, but very much moved by what Marco did. After their dinner, he found his toothbrush (with toothpaste and a glass of water) already prepared with his towel and pyjamas (the thing I did for him every single night before).
Emmanuel told me that during that night, he thought that he was with me. Just imagine how much of an ass my ex was. Marco did all that would make him happy and yet he was thinking of me. But then, he was right about that thought because when Marco went to the bathroom to take a bath, Emmanuel checked Marco's inbox and stupid Marco, he didn't erase the message I sent him on how to surprise Emmanuel.
Yes, the idea all came from me. I emailed Marco and told him to do all those things to make my ex happy... And yes, I was too martyr to do it for Marco. Call it unconditional stupid love for Emmanuel, but don't blame me, all I wanted was for this fuckin' ex of mine to be happy with whom he has chosen to be with. So much about me. Anyway, all of Emmanuel's excitement vanished when he learned that everything Marco did for him that night came from me. He was disappointed and guilty because of what I've done – texting and emailing the guy who stole him from me (cheers for me!).
Emmanuel told me that Marco and I were way too far from each other. He missed my presence. The care and love I gave him. The importance he felt. The presence he has always wanted. And so he asked me if I'd welcome him back.
I said NO. And he left. His spirit was down, disappointment and regret emanated from his face. He's not good at hiding emotions, you know. When he left, he said one last phrase: "Baby, I will not stop from here..."
Think I was victorious? No. I cried when he left...
Enjoy Life, Be Free!
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